Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the
Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until
this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,
but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get
it to work?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your
software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of
the screen,
canyou
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me
at the grocery
store."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you
running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed
an illegal
abortion
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I
urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system
disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an
Intel inside."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech
support to report that
his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup
files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to
replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to
change the startup
and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers
this, but there
is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the
problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of
the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still
smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS
didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch
that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what
you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power
supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible
with NOSMOKE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
customer care officer:I need a product
identification no: right
now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My
Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find
your computer?
¬¬-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
----------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
---------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
================================================== =======
This one is my all time favourite
'Hello, Support Desk, may I help you?'
'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
'What sort of trouble?'
'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
'Went away?'
'They disappeared.'
'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
'Nothing.'
'Nothing?'
'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
'How do I tell?'
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
'What's a sea-prompt?'
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?'
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
'What's a monitor?'
[SIGH] 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
'I don't know.'
'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] 'Yes, I think so.'
'Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.'
[pause] 'Yes, it is.'
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
'No.'
'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
[muffled] 'Okay, here it is.'
'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
[still muffled] 'I can't reach.'
'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'
[clear again] 'No.'
'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark.'
'Dark?'
'Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
'Well, turn on the office light then.'
'I can't.'
'No? Why not?'
'Because there's a power outage.'
'A power--!?!' ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
'A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
'Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
'Really? Is it that bad?'
'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
'Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!'
Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until
this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,
but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get
it to work?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your
software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of
the screen,
canyou
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me
at the grocery
store."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you
running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed
an illegal
abortion
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I
urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system
disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an
Intel inside."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech
support to report that
his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup
files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to
replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to
change the startup
and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers
this, but there
is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the
problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of
the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still
smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS
didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch
that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what
you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power
supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible
with NOSMOKE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
customer care officer:I need a product
identification no: right
now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My
Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find
your computer?
¬¬-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
----------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
---------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
================================================== =======
This one is my all time favourite
'Hello, Support Desk, may I help you?'
'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
'What sort of trouble?'
'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
'Went away?'
'They disappeared.'
'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
'Nothing.'
'Nothing?'
'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
'How do I tell?'
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
'What's a sea-prompt?'
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?'
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
'What's a monitor?'
[SIGH] 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
'I don't know.'
'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] 'Yes, I think so.'
'Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.'
[pause] 'Yes, it is.'
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
'No.'
'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
[muffled] 'Okay, here it is.'
'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
[still muffled] 'I can't reach.'
'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'
[clear again] 'No.'
'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark.'
'Dark?'
'Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
'Well, turn on the office light then.'
'I can't.'
'No? Why not?'
'Because there's a power outage.'
'A power--!?!' ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
'A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
'Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
'Really? Is it that bad?'
'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
'Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!'
